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Over the past few months I have been writing little stories on Twitter. This page is about my under-designed and poorly-built robot son, Archie. And a brief interlude from my were-hound alter-ego Bouncy Allain (The Dog). They are improvised, unedited, full of typos, and arranged in their tweets which have a maximum of 140 characters. Warts & all. Archie Returns 2 June 2011 5 June 2011 27 July 2011 Archie Avatar Naughtiness Devon Oping Studios Archie Thanks You For Me Poorly Archie Poorly Daddy Twitter Stories Archie Stories A cautionary tale Spiders Superglue Concerts String		Tales of Archie My Robot Son (also feat. Bouncy Allain [The Dog]) Hello good day. moose can't tweet today because he had poorly finger. But he is letting me! I am Archie, his weakling robot son. good day. hello i have been observing how my daddy tweets and i have concluded he is not funny and not good at typing. neither am i though i am a weakling robot because my daddy did not bother to follow the instructions that he wrote himself. but i have poweful artificial bran. brian. BRAIN GODDAMIT! Sorry. I wish he made me properly. Quite often he doesn't oil me so i squeak on a proach. He never remembers my birthday even though he had a few cider on th eday he finish me. and dressed me in nickers. I want to know daddy why i am so drastically underpowered? Why only 2 USB slots? Why the high fuel consumption? I still love you though dadx He even call me archie rather than something 21C like josh or luke or tony not tony that 1960s. more like cody or or or josh again. josh. i know when he reads these twetes he's going to be cross again. he will probably tamper with my sump as punish. he even made me sing on some horrbile noies he makes on he computer he calls his music. ugh. http://soundcloud.com/moosechoons/a303 He smell of bombay mick's too. I caught my daddy looking at rude pictures on his computer. exposed cables, circuit boards, hydraulic pipework everything all oily. Gross! I'm going to tell you another secret. My daddy doesn't even do his own art. he makes us robots do it. He says its the same thing because he made us and we are the weak and ill formed parts of his mind made manifest and given action. but i think i have my own personality. for example i don't like his horrible music he makes. some people call it robot music but everyone knows robots yearn to sing like angels. I like "la la la la la, do do in my heart, do da da da, do forever baby, oooh yeah" that kind of music not his nonsense. so he is a fraud. I wish I could switch myself off for a while sometimes. I don't even have a snooze button. He has no idea how to design a robot. * * * Well, I am back and it looks like someone calling himself Archie has been using my account. I am very annoyed. Archie does not exist. Yes I do daddy. No, Archie. You do not. *squeaks off in a huff* No one *squeaks off in a huff*. Archie simply does not exist, so clearly cannot *squeak off in a huff*. *quietly, hiding in hoover cupboard* I do exist. He doesn't have to believe in me. The important thing is that I believe in me. Descartes. Sorry about that, followers. I think it must be some sort of spam bot. *I am not a bot, I am a ROBOTA and i contain 0 meats.* *snuggled up to Henry hoovey. Seem friendly at 1st but don't like his fixed grin after a bit. Daddy won't be doing any art til he finds me!* * * * I'm back. I tried to explain to my robot son that he doesn't exist, but he's not having it. Not sure who's going to win this one. By the way, don't feel sorry for my imaginary robot son. His circuits are faulty and prone to lying. I designed him to be self-pitying. *who wouldn't feel sorry for themselves after a day in a cupboard with Henry a hoover. He is sycho.* *servos whirring* I have to be honest, I don't know how to turn him off. And I'd never be able to remantle him. He's harmless enough. I would love him even more if he was real. * * * You will all be pleased to hear that I do not anticipate any trouble from Archie the morally and physically enfeebled robot today. On the down side I received an unexpected visit from Bouncy Allain (The Dog). He's annoying, cloying and boing! I was on my way back from the bathroom when I turned into Bouncy Allain (The Dog). I leapt onto the bed and started panting. My wife said "I thought we'd had him put down". She is not fond of Bouncy Allain (The Dog). Let's never mention Bouncy Allain (The Dog) again. * * * Who's this nuzzling and scratching at the door? Oh no. Bouncy Allain (The Dog)! We weren't going to mention you ever again! What are you doing here, this is outrageous. Can't keep up with all these fictitious characters: Bouncy Allain (The Dog), Archie the feeble robot son, my mum the actress, Paxman, Mears… Something seems to have wiped that smile of our Henry the Hoover's face. Most odd. * * * Does anyone no ny wobsites with robots hodling hands with their daddy or just playin gwith thie r daddy that sort of webssite? laughing?  or w bestite with robots messing about in cars or having other fun and gmaes that sort fo wobsite largely of interst to robots only? can't use gogle becuase of retrictions my daddy has put on it but if you give me there adfess it would help. are there other robots on twtr? not bots! real robotas like me even though i am enfeelbed in many ways, leaking electrics squeaky, tingly to the touch frombad wiring by dad i hvae to hide now daddy is coming to do hist twitter i am disguised has the hoover so he will wonder why i'm here!! what lark! as daddy say * * * That's a bit weird, it seems as if some sort of virus as infiltrated my account and been tweeting about robot websites. How strange. Hold on a minute. What's the hoover doing under my desk… ARCHIE!? [my tremulous runty robotic son, readers!] What the HELL have you been up to? I apologise if any of you has been upset or felt like vomiting at some of the stuff Archie has been tweeting. He is very bad. I will unplug. I wouldn't mind if he at least sucked up some dust every now and then, but it's all "my cogs are grinding, my tappets need tapping" etc. I rue the day I ever promised myself I would build myself a robot son "one rainy day". Right. I'm off, that's Archie back in his box. * * * he fogot my finger! ddaddy is such a funny man! and a horrible nazi too. after this tweet i'm wiggly worming my way back to joien the reset of my boyd. bye & byte! * * * Goodnihgt daddy x Goodnight Archie x *click* If you've fashioned yourself a robot son, be sure to install very clear parameters about access rights to other household electrical goods.   * * * I awoke in the night with the sensation of a tiny metal hand held in my own. I immediately thought of my enfeebled robot son, Archie… He was neatly tucked away in his box. But his body was ticking as the plates, cogs and gears started to cool. I gently replaced the lid. * * * woke in the night to see my runty robot son Archie projecting footage of disgraced runner Ben Johnson's Olympic dash onto the bedroom wall. It doesn't mean anything because I haven't programmed Archie to have the facility for symbolism. It must mean something though, just because life is full of the symbolism we read into it. I shall ponder on it. [back to top] Archie Returns Helo! Hlello twiter. I am ARchie. I am th e weakling robot son of moose. he made me out of a fkit and then miseed bits out+added bits in he very sloppy and jhas no a tension to tdetail. He normally get slapves and other drones to do his pathetic art and rubish drawing of stuff andyway, he got me out of my bock and forgot to but me back again ha ah ah ha! so he is in the barf and i am free and on twither again!! luckily i can hear him in the barff sloohsing around like a big fat whail but with less valuable blubber ie no makret value at all. so if i hear his heavy footfool on the staire i can quickly power down. Soz about the tyup8ing its one of his other faults no knowldege of wieringt or elex or anhthing. i feel sorry for his flesh and blood hcilldren he made with his will y at least i'm in a bocx most the time slmetimes i hear hime shouting at them BE QWEIT I AM TWYTING TO DO MY TWWITTER ITS IMPORTATNT ITS FOR WORK SHUT YOUR ROW etc. luckily when i laught it just sounds like a fizzing batery so he just thinks it one of my many amalfunctions the jokes on him though anyway i don't know why you follow him he get most of his idea and jokes iether off books or other thwttiters interenet ext. ext. os hsshs i can here the waters parting hje stumbling about in the bath room like some tricked moses orl crsos and double crsossed i better quickly turnr mysel foff or hell know i;ve bben on his account. byee nice ot tuype to you. bye bye xxx [back to top] Hello. Archie here. Yes. Hello i am the weakling feelbe robot son of moose do you remember? don't worry i haven't snuck on he is here too Amd as you can see he shas made some adjust metns I am funcktoning much better aren't i? Anyway, dade just wants me to … what? It's "Daddy", Archie. Oh ok so as I was saying "Dade" wants me to explain that I … what now? It's not "Dade". It's Daddy. Daddy. Do you understand? Oh I see now ha ha ha sile me! Yes ok Daddy wants me to explain that I said some bad things about him the otherr days when he was in bath about blubbber and his willy nad other horrible things but it wwasnt my FAult! it's because he weired me up all rwong again. but he tinkerd and now i;m uch better now! I want to poink out that DAddy is a very good man adn does sfabuluiuse art atctulalyu whests goiagn[= vga Sorry, hold on a minute Archie. Just hold still a moment. ooh thtat felt strange. Anywya yes he is a faboulus artsman nd dose great drawings not so good at makeing robots! Iis thatok that joke?[ Yes. And if he makes a few more adjustmetns I might actually pass my Turing test! Yipe!!! Well. Hold on a minute Archie. What do you mean pass your Turing test? I thought you had passed? What was that certificate you showed me? Thast was a certificate of failure, Dade. Let me see it. Where did this come from? I printe dit on you printier. This is a bit of a shock, Archie. This implies that you are not capable of independent thought. NO i am capable i just don't existst as a proper person until i can make my own thoughts. So what's going on here then, if this isn't you talking to me? At the memoent i am just your weakling robot son, and these words are the weakling sons of your thoughts. I need to think about this Archie. I'm going to turn you off, ok? Ok Daddy. I feel a bit flat now anyway, my lighting system is getting a bit dul Night Archie. x Bffffrstrst dade x [back to top] Is it safe? Is it safe? Henry. Is it safe? Hello Archie here, moose's weedy malfunctionign electronic son. no i'm not a white rabbit what re you on about henry? I ams up in my daddy off ice iwth my friend henry the hooves. We are having a sneak and peak and poke about at his things while he is out in the wtighlight directing the owls off hsi patch. He is very protective of his air space. bprobly becaus he is a bald man. Anyway henry and i are looking at his stuff. all his pens on his desk, very messy, but touched by human ands. he doesn;t like it if people or robots or hoovers touch his penis. he gets very angry what is it henry? I said pens henry. pens. his pens. look. oh. Well i meant pens. he doesn;t like it if any matter organic or inorganic other than his fair hand touches his p.e.n.s. but thene hes grumpy about all sortrs of stuff e.g. people making the same old punis on twitter. I said puns. Any way i can hear a bit of a todo in the garden the owls are not hapy with his bossing them. he;s got a torch i can see the beam flashing it around at his hedgerows. no wonder the rabits come in and shit all over his lawn. they are in cahoots with th eowls. and apparently we have a badger toilet too., so the ncoturnals are all coming in and soilign up his shrubberies ha ha what is it henry? Well you don't know what he's like, you;v e got a permenant smile like a happy fool. we'd better get going now i have to pop henry back in his coupbard. by the way, i know some of you have been asking what i look like. well try to picture a punch up in thwe white goods department of john lewis as rendered by a bored throe year old. That. by by x [back to top] 2 June 2011 Heollo twitter Archie here. i am moose's slightly undre speicified runty robot son he make out of a kit in his usual sloppy. way. You will probably actully be p[leased to here that moose has had to have a break. i think hie has had too much of that apple booze he drinks i would like to take thsi ipportunity to apologise about his beahaviour today. i have lloked at his tweets and i have to say it is really not on. nothign but sulking shouting captial letters invenctive contumely the works. i really am sorry. (( by the way he is groaning slighty on the floor. ha ha! he said i think those apples were off. he siad he got the cidre from the pound shop. tha explains a lot. he wastes a lot of money in that poind sjhop. i htink he got me from one. actgually. you wouldn;t get these consistenlty below average levels of typing and endless poor syntacks off of a robot you got from eg hamleys or the science musiem i bet. anyway i am goijng to go and cuddle him. it will be good for him because i am always slightly fizzy tingly with poor wiring. listen 4 yelps! RT @kazonks: is he kind to you Archie? << he try his best, but that is like most peopls not really trying cos they dont want to #bgt is on. also he keep me in a box most of the time and rarely oil me and when he does he uses oil from the puond shlp which is recycled chip fat. RT @rascaldj: Hurrah for the return of MooseAllain's robot son Archie! << yes! i will put that on my cv although he say i don't have a v this is an ognoing philosphical sdiscussion we have which he doesn't seem to grasp the fine grain of becuase he's a simple sole (at best) hold on he sasys he needs a bucket i'd better make myself scarce or he;ll be using my head yes that tells you something about his dsgn skilz Good he has crawled to the lav and is making noises like he makes whenn he does sex. While is out i can share asecret with you. he pretends to be the big man and all cool with his jokes as he cal lthem But in his studio or mess room as i call it he has a teddy the teddy he has had since he was a boy for he went to school and unlearened . he call that teddy Bombardy because he used to throw it around. it shasn't got much stuffing left now. he looks at it sometimes and feels all a bit gooey and silly like he's trying to rememver that little curly headed lad of long ago but he knows he's gone. But mostly he ingores him. Like me. Anyway i thought you might like to see a picture ofBombardy. It not vgood because he specced a crap camera for me http://twitpic.com/560vct I can hear him coming back now just as i was getting into my flow. oh wll another time twitter. one day i will have my own accoutn. bye xxx [back to top] 5 June 2011 Hello! Archie here. Incase you don;t gnome me i am moose's runty robot son he made himself. i am ffeebl in lots of ways but i try v hard== 20 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete Hello! Archie here. Incase you don;t gnome me i am moose's runty robot son he made himself. i am ffeebl in lots of ways but i try v hard== moose is swashing uip at th e moment so i thought i woud come onto wtwitter and say iam a excited and be a abit sorry about some of the harsh things i hjave said about him recently. i am excited because i htink he hsas a secret treat in store for me but shush. I will delete thse tweet when you ahve read them. yesterday he took me to the recycling centre. it is full of old washing machines, metal would palstic etc. a brilliant place i love it theere. anyway he say i need to think about my behaviour or i would end up here on a permanent holiday!!! of course i went very quiet i didn t want to let on houw excited i was. a holiday! i hae never had a holdiay before! so i now feel gillety about some of the things i said about him plase don;'t think lowly of him he trie to be a good man. Ok good bye now good mby\\1\\1 HOLDIDAY! [back to top] 27 July 2011 I like pupies. do you like puppy? pls rt. Please don't RT that. It was Archie. Archie is my badly-put together robot son, for those who don't know what I'm talking about. He is sitting at my computer while I'm signing some prints. Singing som Prince? ha ha ha daddy you cant sing! Just leave it, please Archie. Wjats safari daddy? I said leave it Archie. Don't click on that. o look daddy th e littl circkle is bouncing ha ha ha ARCHIE. What are bookmakrs dadddy? Archie for goodness sakes just leave that don't click on it. Oh sweet jesus. Oo daddy is she poorly? Yes Archie, he's rubbing her tummy better. She soudn very ppoorly daddy. Is she going to be sic? Probably Archie. Now turn it off, or do I have to come over there and dismantle you? This fodler called building works is full of films of poorly ladees daddy whis that? hey mister doherty i am NOT a pupy i am robota. wot a kind man my daddy is, he is studying away at tall the poorly ladies in his specila secrete folde called bluiding work. and the other kind doctors who are trying to make them beter despite potential malpractice suits and been struck off tipe stuff what ard DMs dadddy? ARCHIE!!! Right, this has gone far enough! ffrxxxt sscrewdrivel xxxldc jl yelp me I'm sorry about that, followers, Archie up to his usual tricks and make believe nonsense as usual he he! Shouldn't be any more trouble from him now. Sorry if he soiled your timeline. Archie was made from a car-boot sale kit, spit, misguided love and blind hope. [back to top] Archie Avatar Naughtiness - One day Archie got onto my computer and started messing about with my Twitter profile picture (avatar). You can see what it looked here. Bear in mind that you read Twitter from the bottom upwards. [back to top] Devon Oping Studios Helo! Archie here. I am moose's runty feeble robot son and i ma telling you that my ddady is s bit buzy toda. he doing Devil Opened Studo where people come into our house and wander about and giv hium funny looks as if to say don't your pens work proply? meanwhile hie wander around decliaming to what he call "his public" about his inspirations and how brilliant he is an dstuff. he faiols to mention ""and i am crap at making robots " but never mind. so he mite not twee much, wich will be a belssed releef for one +all amy way i better go he doesn't like peopl eo to see me in case either a they try to by me or b they feel sick. by now, byb by see yo soon x PS daddy once stuk a sosage in me to see if i do barbycue. I dont, but i short-circeted he got a risult + a nasti electirc shock too! [back to top] Archie Thanks You For Me helo archie here! I am mooses runty robot son he made himslf from bitsnbobs but got bord near the end and just tipped it all in with glue. anway, moose sa he v busy today and cant be bothered to reply to all of the ffs and thngs whatever they are. he saed just get on wth the tuyping archie i will dictate to you. he is a tupical fat nazi dad [he didn't say that i am going to make it up] so he banging o n a bout being busy painting and say things like i love you all yiu are so important to me twitter is my life I am asad fuk anyway bla bla bla it's nice to get out of my box for a bit and get my servos wherring for a bit. he has got an annoying whistly nose today. inf act lloking at him there a little bogy going in an out in an out as he breve. i no i sound a bit horrible but i love my daddy really he tries hard and always check his followers number and get angry about unfollws they can fuck off then the cunks he say, or someting along those lines. yes daddy i an typing exactly what you say. you can check. ouch byb by! Damn you Archie, how many tweets have I got to delete now? Sorry about this everyone, slight technical hitch. Keyboard on autopilot I think. Despite the impression Archie may have given you, I do love you, but not in an injunction sort of way. More like a favourite pair of socks. [back to top] Poorly Archie Helo Daddy! Ah, Archie - hello there, my runty robot son with whom some of my followers will be familiar while others will require this introduction. Helo Daddy. I dont feel wery vell. What's the matter Archie? Actually you don't look great. In fact I can smell hot wiring. Yes daddy I think im overeating. You mean over heating? Yes you do look rather hot. … Ow, your plates are burning. Hold on, let me go and get something. O thank u ddaddy your a very kind daddy i am a porroly robot today sad face. i cn here my daddy footstep going downstairs from his stidio. i no he's a big stroke nazi most of the time but he can be kind. im so hot. few! Ah i can here him coming back up thstares! o daddy i;m so glad you've come back i;m so hot i think i might xplod Hold still Archie. Whats that youve got there daddy? it llok like an egg why are you breaking that egg on me? will it soove me? whats the fish slice for daaddy. And the plate? Nearly done now, Archie. Actually, I forgot the sauce. Would you be a poppet and run down and get it for me? o daddy. Leave the egg here Archie. bad daddy Hurry up Archie it's getting cold. Sorry about this, followers. here its is daddy. can you turn me off now daddi my servos are all eggy. Yes Archie. And thank you for doing lunch with me. There's a good boy. Bye bye Archie. by by daddy. Mm. Tasty egg! A bit… oily though. [back to top] Poorly Daddy Helo! Arhcie here, moose's tiny feelbe robot son. Moose isn;t tweeting today he says all his ideas escaped throgh his ear in the night. actualy it could be tru becuase i notice he has a leaky nose today and i keep thinking he about to do his broof fourfive impesonation did di did di did di kind of thing but sudden ly BANG he sor to of epxlode and start saying o dear o dear. hes one of these people who bravely suffers in silence but make sure every body noes about it. any wya he might actually be a bit proorly because he gaver me a sort of cudle which was quite nice. then he said it made him tinguely i thought that was either love or just falty wiring either way i'll settle for it. he wipin his nose now all blairy eyed and sorry faced. Aw by by x [back to top]